Steve's Toy Box: I Had These Things

Aside from a Tom & Jerry jack in the box, the oldest toys I can remember are the Ding-A-Ling Robots. They seemed to be all over the place in the early 70's. They ranged from looking pretty cool to being cartoony and lame. I mean, who the hell wanted a robot shoeshine boy? Don't even get me started on "Gofer". I never had any of the playsets or battery packs, but I did have King Ding and that was pretty much the luxury town car of robots.



Sort of a low tech variant of the Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine, Ice Bird was essentially a cheese grater with (As they would say on Portlandia) a bird on it. It was good for a few frozen treats and bloody cuts before you ran out of flavor syrup and tossed it in the corner where it would stare back at you with it's cold dead eyes.



In the mid 70's the biggest hero of young boys was a guy who was partially successful at jumping over stuff, but mostly seemed to wind up landing on the ground and hurting himself badly. Even in this commercial, after several impressive jumps they end off with him falling off the bike and rolling around. It was a fun toy that would've been cooler if you could've heard the bones break.



Post Star Wars, Starbird was a spaceship that made different noises of rising/lowering depending on which way you pointed it. The front and wing sections also detached into separate ships. It was the perfect thing for defending the universe or terrorizing the family cat.

The Stuff You Could Buy in Comic Books Vol. 1

"Your daughter or your niece or the cute child next door will love you for this gift." Am I the only one concerned about who they're marketing to here?



"It even fools other bats." Bats are not only blind but really fucking stupid.



Now you can fire up a bowl while reading your latest issue of "Archie's Pals n' Gals" without Mom and Dad catching on.



Impressionable jihadists really misread this one.

More Stuff For Better Living

Just the thing for that thin mountain air.



Stop flies from entering your home by surrounding it with glass jugs filled with foul smelling goop that will trap flies and turn their corpses into more foul smelling goop. You are guaranteed to be the talk of your condo association.



How bad was the DUI situation in the fifties? Alcoholic drinks drove steamrollers my friend.



Where ethanol comes from.

Saturday Morning Beer 2: Oh Magoo, You've Done it Again

Mind officially BLOWN.



"Thank you! I'll be here all week. Try the veal!"

And finally, the very definition of blind stinking drunk...

Saturday Morning Beer

While the powers that be fight beer commercials that seem to target young people,  they forget a universal truth: EVERYBODY LOVES CARTOONS, ESPECIALLY DRUNKS. Here's a first round...




You show 'im sister!



Guinness gives you drunken, slurring delusional strength.



First Winston cigarettes now this! Apparently aimed directly at Busch employees, Fred and Barney do what they should have always been doing to advance their careers...getting Mr. Slate drunk.

Quisp: A Story of Rivalry and Redemption

Ah Quisp, iconic cereal character...at least for decade or so.

Quisp cereal was introduced by Quaker Oats Company in 1965 with commercial spots by Jay Ward Productions. Jay Ward is probably best known as the creator of the Rocky & Bullwinkle cartoons, and it's worth noting that Quisp bears a passing resemblance to "Cloyd" the Moon Man from the show's first serial "Jet Fuel Formula".



(Quisp's occasional sidekick "Quunchy" also bore similarities to the likewise mustached moon man "Gidney".)

The Rocky & Bullwinkle Show was sponsored by General Mills and the show characters promoted some of their various cereals. Ward's production company took some of that experience at cereal shilling over to Quaker Oats, creating first Captain Crunch, then Quisp and later the original King Vitaman.

Quisp was unique in that he was paired with a rival cereal and mascot called "Quake". The setup was basically that Quisp was a crispy cereal promoted by a manic alien from outer space, while Quake was a crunchy cereal who's mascot was a 'roided up looking miner from underground. (Hence "Inner space".) The two would then argue over who had the superior product.





(I imagine most modern parents would not be too crazy about a cereal promoting it's "Sugar energy" these days.)

Quisp was voiced by Hanna Barbera regular Daws Butler (Who also was the original Captain Crunch.) while Quake was played by William Conrad. (Who among other things was the Rocky & Bullwinkle narrator.) Their rivalry eventually extended to a 1972 campaign to vote for which of the two cereals should remain on store shelves. By this point Quake had slimmed down a little and been given an Australian makeover, but it was too late. There was no way kids could deny the comparative charms of the little spaceman. Quake wound up relegated as the sidekick to Simon the "Quangaroo", a marsupial hawking a (Frankly awful tasting.) cereal with the same name.



Despite their initial bravado, when the vote came up again in 1976, Quisp once more came out on top. Alas, the little guy would not prevail for long. As the 70's went on he saw declining sales, possibly because aside from the shape, Quisp cereal tasted pretty much like the more popular Captain Crunch. By the end of the decade it was gone.

But this was not to be the end for our Gen X icon. After a brief reappearance in the 80's, Quisp was eventually relaunched as "The first internet cereal" available for online purchase only. The website came complete with a new cartoon by John Kricfalusi of Ren & Stimpy fame



Since then, Quisp has appeared in various limited time "Guerilla displays" in stores and also at Target chains. Although not as available as other cereals, it continues to soldier on to the joy of children and the dismay of parents who have to put up with their "Quazy Sugar Energy".

Young Johnny Despairs of Maintaining His Slim Girlish Figure

Sadly Mom, Dad and Sis consumed every single beverage in the house last night playing drinking games.

Meanwhile, Charlie Brown once again consults his friend Linus on the great theological questions of the day.

Dean Martin is Coming to Steal Your Cereal

I mean Sugar Bear. That guy. For such a laid back cereal mascot, you've got to admire his brass balls. While Trix the Rabbit tried various ineffectual schemes to get cereal and Lucky Leprechaun had all he could do to keep from getting mugged by hungry tykes, Sugar Bear just marched in like a juggernaut and took that fuckin' cereal.





I suppose Granny Goodwitch could've tried turning him into a frog, but maybe it's just as well she didn't.

"I Think it's Time You Started Trapping and Filtering Your Gas Mr.Rizzoli"

Say the right thing and you too can have your groceries sprinkled with with a generous coating of Lark cigarette ash.

And So a Nation of Mom and Dads Ruin Their Dens

The siren song of sexy ladies in "Laugh In" party dresses was to much to resist.

Feel the Love

As I get my ducks in a row, I plan on posting more of my artwork here. (When I'm not musing about pop culture obscurities or making fun of old Life magazine ads.)

Here's a piece I recently finished for the Firefly Collective's "Occupy Love" group show. (I apologize for the picture quality, it was taken with a cell phone.) I've been experimenting lately with taking thick shadow box type frames and decorating them with stickers and doo-dads. We'll see if this approach bears fruit.

And now, another word from our sponsors...

More vintage ads!

Get the party started with Gilbey's gin and copious amounts of blow.



Nothing entices you to buy soda like a nightmarish grinning spectre. Brrrr.



Yes, once upon a time America needed incredibly grim public service announcements to keep it from washing it's clothes in gasoline.



Judging by this gentleman's face, he's going to use that bottle to bludgeon the unsuspecting homeowner to death.



In spousal abuse or rape, you'll look smart in your Van Heusen shirt.



Mom blissfully unaware that her family plans to please Satan.



And finally, we have Al Capp's Dick Tracy parody character Fearless Fosdick fighting the frizzies and some dude who kidnaps women dressed as a fire hydrant.

Everything Old is New Again

It's been awhile, but I've dusted things off, deleted spam comments and out of date links so ON WITH THE SHOW. More vintage ads!


Drunken skeet shooters claim the life of yet another whiskey mascot.




"Stop feeding your dog little girls and try PARD instead."





Nothing says "Elegant" like dumping canned hash all over your filet mignon.






"Okay guys, you can stop looking at my professionally cleaned rugs now! Seriously, it's starting to freak me out."





In case you were wondering where Lucy's distinctive later life voice came from...




Not an ad, but I couldn't resist throwing in this Walt Kelly cartoon I came across while looking for these. You ain't gonna see art this pretty on the editorial pages these days. (Click for a better view.)

"It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black": R.I.P. Robert Culp

The keg pump is at half mast for the passing of veteran actor Robert Culp. A lot of people from my generation remember him as FBI Agent Bill Maxwell from The Greatest American Hero. I have to confess that I've never seen the show (At the time I was still taking superheroes too seriously.) but in more recent years I've become a fan of his earlier performances as "Kelly Robinson" on the groundbreaking 60's espionage series I Spy. (This post's title comes from one of his character's lines.)



Coming out during the post James Bond secret agent craze, I Spy was unique in many ways. As Culp's partner "Alexander Scott", Bill Cosby was the first African American to have a lead role in a television series. Also, while most TV shows depicted foreign countries by shooting on stages or around L.A., I Spy actually did location shoots in it's exotic locales. Finally, while similar secret agent shows were long on gadgets and camp, I Spy was fairly down to earth and gritty with it's humor deriving from the comedic chemistry between Culp and Cosby. Culp brought a breezy offhand charm to his portrayal of a spy posing as a tennis bum that seems way ahead of it's time. (It's also worth noting that Culp himself wrote several episodes, including the first.)



I should note that the full series can be watched online in it's entirety here. Goodbye Robert Culp and thanks for all the (As his character would put it) "Wonderfullness".

More vintage advertising fun

I'm back with some more old school Madison Ave fun!



"I was curious" eh? I'd say these strapping young fellows are curious about more than beer! (I like to imagine that Salvatore Romano from Sterling Cooper worked on this one...)



Ladies, make sure your husbands are adequately thirst quenched with frozen lemonade lest they go on a crazy shooting spree to try and extract sweet, sweet bug nectar.



"Why, we've been waiting for a 17th century pelican with booze all our lives!"



Yes friends, throw out those fatty old grapefruits and embrace the slim-tastic wonder that is pure cane sugar.



So the next time a social conservative gets yakkin' about how things were so much more wholesome back in the day, you can remind them that in 1950 LIFE magazine ran ads selling cameras with the promise of recording accidental titty displays.

When Tony was Grrrrreat...

Google Books is a controversial service to be sure, but one of it's cool features is that you can do text searches of old out of print magazines and pull up scans of the actual pages. For fans of vintage illustration and advertising this is PRIMO. Look for me to be utilizing this a lot in the future.

I thought I'd start out with some swell mid 50's ads featuring famed sugar cereal huckster Tony The Tiger. These days Tony looks about as bland as every other cereal mascot who's gone through airbrushy lame-ification, but this was not always so. Tony's original jazzier appearance was created by children's book illustrators Martin and Alice Provinsen. In focus group testing Tony beat out other potential Frosted Flakes spokesanimals Katy the Kangaroo, Zeke the Zebra, Elmo the Elephant and Newt the Gnu. (Zeke, Elmo and Newt seem to have vanished, but you an see Katy here.)

A few years back animator Nate Pacheo unsuccessfully lobbied the Leo Burnett Agency (Which has handled the Tony account since it's inception.) to go back to the original design in honor of Tony's 50th anniversary. Unfortunately they didn't bite, but you can see some of the cool concept art people contributed
here.

Not to keep plugging Google products, but with this post I've started using the Blogger Images hosting feature. All the images below are clickable to see larger.




While pitching kid's cereal to the opera crowd, Tony asserts that he's all heterosexual.



Man, here's one you wouldn't see today.



In this one Tony appears to be lobbying for Kid n' Play's gig.



Nothing tops off a bowl of cereal like cigar ash...

I Cry Like A Baby: R.I.P. Alex Chilton

I was honestly all ready with a brand new cheery post involving cereal when I heard of the untimely passing of legendary musician Alex Chilton. You may or may not be familiar with his name, but even if you've never heard any of his music, I guarantee you've listened to artists who were greatly influenced by him.

Commercially Chilton peaked early. He enjoyed chart success as the 16 year old lead singer of The Box Tops with such hits as "Soul Deep", "I Cry like A Baby" and their Billboard chart topper "The Letter". (which would later become Joe Cocker's first U.S. top ten hit.)



I always thought it was weird how Chilton's voice seemed deeper and huskier as a teen than as an adult.

The cornerstone in Chilton's legacy was his next group, (The sadly ironically named) Big Star. Big Star specialized in jangly achingly beautiful power pop, and could count R.E.M., The Bangles, The Replacements, Wilco, The Gin Blossoms and far too many other artists to name as diehard fans. Probably most people are familiar with Cheap Trick's cover of their song "In the Street", which was the theme song for "That 70's Show".

I'd rate among their greatest accomplishments the song "September Gurls" which features Chilton's achingly earnest voice and lovely chiming guitar work.




After Big Star failed to find commercial success Chilton drifted off to CBGB and connected with the punk scene, then moved on to more jazz based material. He never quite matched his earlier successes, but lived to see an enduring legacy of fans. (Even though Chilton tended not to place much value on himself.)

I first became aware of him after he inspired one of my favorite bands to record one of their catchiest songs about him.



Yesterday, just days before a scheduled appearance by the reunited Big Star at the South By Southwest music festival Chilton was hospitalized complaining of health problems and died of a suspected heart attack at age 59. He will be missed.

Tomorrow: Funner post!

Japanese Kid Vid Volume 1: Ganbare!! Robocon

When it comes to manic children's TV programming, it's hard to top the Land of the Rising Sun. The Japanese approach entertaining kids with a hell bent for leather attitude that takes no prisoners in the war to delight and overstimulate their youth. God knows if I'd watched this stuff when I was a boy you would have had to pry me off the ceiling with a rake, such would've been my cranked up state. I'm not to old to still get a kick out of this stuff, so I figured I'd share YouTube discoveries from time to time.



Here's a partial clip I found of the first episode of "Ganbare!! Robocon" (Translation "Do Your Best!! Robokon") The show featured Robocon, a student robot trying to help humans as part of his studies. It ran from 1974 to 1977 and was rebooted in 1998 as "Burn!! Robocon", the title of which suggests that Robocon wasn't very helpful at all and the humans seek revenge.




This is in Cantonese, not Japanese, but I don't speak either so I'll just have to guess what's going on. A Japanese lady opens the door all happy thinking it's the Domino's delivery guy with those pasta bread bowls she ordered. What's this? Ack! A robot! He'll probably ask if she's heard the good news about the Robot Lord and if she'd be interested in a subscription to to the Robot Watchtower. Undeterred when she closes the door Robocon rips apart their home only to be chased off by a cockroach, the natural enemy of germophobic automatons.



Robocn then retires to a picnic bench where he receives a transmission from a silver robot with a mouth like Carly Simon asking what the dilly-oh is. Robocon paces around like Hamlet for a bit, some pink plastic hearts in silver frosting glow off and on and he recites the English alphabet up to "G". More pacing and arm flailing and then Robocon drops to the ground and pops his hood. He's almost out of gas and going through withdrawals! Staggering around like Courtney Love with the shakes, he brazenly goes behind a refueling car and moves the nozzle into himself. This causes his eyes to go all Mr SexyFace until two somewhat homely kids stare at him from the back seat and make his eyes lose all control. ("Auggh! Those teeth!")

Moustache-san the gas pump guy catches wind of the scam and starts chewing him out. Robocon pops his hood and everyone marvels at his precision German engineering. The family takes off, apparently forgetting that the gas went into Robocon and not their car. As the family makes an ill advised attempt to push a mid sized car up a hill, Robocon comes over to help...or brutally murder them Terminator style if the scowl at the end of the clip is any indicator.

So that's all for now. Look for more mind-fudgery in the future!

Strange things happen to people who don't obey Muppets...

For a soft spoken guy who played with puppets, Jim Henson sure had a dark side. For all that cutesy stuff with Elmo and Rainbow Connections and whatnot, a lot of muppetry has revolved around characters getting, shot, blown up or eaten. This was especially true in the early days of scrounging for commercial gigs. Back before they were busy covering Queen songs the muppets were the kings of the hard sell...the VERY hard sell, as in "Things will get very hard for you if you don't use our product!"

Consider the classic ads for the regional coffee brand Wilkins. In each spot, a Kermit/fetus creature (Also named Wilkins.) quizzes a gruff voiced gumdrop thing named "Wontkins" about his coffee preferences. Wontkin's failure to make a Wilkins approved response results in any number of terrible retributions worthy of the Old Testament.



Dangling from a window? Considering calling for help? If you didn't think to bring a loaf of Claussens Bread you're screwed.




Now you'd imagine that the worst thing that would happen if you dialed a long distance number in Virginia without dialing 1 first is that your call wouldn't go through properly. You would of course be making a fatal mistake underestimating the harsh justice meted out by Muppet Law.



Here the potential consumers come off relatively unscathed (But terrified), likely because A) They're actual human beings and therefore it would be a lot more gruesome to see them slaughtered and B) They immediately give in to the demands of the noodle pimping dragon. (The supermarket, on the other hand, takes a beating.)



So do what the Muppets tell you! And the same goes for me, as I'm often told that I look like a Muppet...

Gimmie an Uncle Charlie

No, no, no...not the old guy from "My Three Sons", I'm using the nickname for Utica Club Beer. ("Uncle Charlie Lewis" if it's Utica Club Light. See what they're doing there?) Originally introduced in 1988, it was the first beer officially sold after Prohibition. Somewhat scarce these days outside of northern New York state, Utica Club is currently brewed by the F.X. Matt Brewery, which is better known for it's Saranac line of craft beers.

I used to drink Utica Club sometimes in college back in the mid 80's. I recall it as an unremarkable but serviceably inexpensive brew. I remember one of my punk rock pals calling me "Utica Club" because that happened to be my go-to budget beer when he met me. (College guys are all about the nicknames.) At any rate, Utica Club is less memorable for it's suds then for it's pitchmen Schultz and Dooley



Schultz & Dooley were first introduced in 1958 to Northeastern TV audiences as "Spokesmugs" for the brewery. Referencing two beer loving ethnicities, Schultz was German and Dooley was Irish. Both were voiced with mucho gusto by comedian Jonathan Winters. Physically the mugs were brought to life (In wood, not stein ceramics.) by accomplished puppeteer Bill Baird, creator of the "Baird's Marionettes" which made many show biz rounds back in the day. (Most likely you've seen his handiwork in the "The Lonely Goatherd" puppet sequence of "The Sound of Music".)

The concept of the talking beer steins was created by the Doyle Dane Bernbach advertising company. After failed pitches to other breweries, the then parent company for Utica Club WEBCO took a chance on the idea to try to increase lackluster sales. Their gambit paid off, with production rising 50% in just a couple of years. The characters were so popular they even raised the ratings of the syndicated shows they advertised on!



Unfortunately all things must come to an end. By the mid sixties market research showed that the characters were popular, but they'd ceased to be effective at actually selling the beer and were replaced by a new campaign set in a psychedelic rock club. (Not real popular with Utica Club's older blue collar base.) After a brief lackluster comeback without Winters' vocal stylings, ol' Schutlz and Dooley were consigned to marketing history.

Well, almost. The pair's functional designs lent themselves to the production of actual steins starting in 1959. Since then, they've been in pretty much constant production from one source or another. They're currently available online and through other venues. (We bought ours at the Vermont Brewer's Fest.) Not only are Schultz and Dooley available, but so are every other character who appeared in the commercials, as well as new ones who didn't.

So here's a couple of the classic spots. Feel free to enjoy a frosty one while watching.